Wasted Afternoons Stocking Stuffers

With my girlfriend overseas for the next three weeks I'm under under a kind of tacit agreement to not even set foot inside the upcoming Mossgreen Sports Auction, but a number of items have caught my eye.

In the past I have unsuccessfully lobbied to have one of the "Spy" Vanity Fair prints reclassified as suitable home decor. I think the doctor is quite fetching but apparently I'm on my own in that analysis.

Sticking to the icons I can't ever see myself having the $3000 loose change to spunk on George Beldam's definitive though ludicrously posed shot of Trumper but we can all dream. It's a lot more fun than shares, surely? 

"DON BRADMAN'S FIRST TEST BAT: Full size "Duke & Son - Warren Bardsley" Cricket bat, signed to the reverse under the headings 1928 England and Australia - 19 signatures from the 1928-29 English team headed by Chapman, including Jardine, Tate (2), Hendren, Leyland, Patuadi, Larwood; and to the right reverse 17 signatures headed unusually by Jackson and including an early Bradman, Ryder, Woodfull, Andrews, O'Reilly, Richardson. Later inclusions collected by Bradman for this charity item include Richardson, Ironmonger and Alexander. 47 signatures in all. Unique and desirable."

With an estimate of $120,000-$150,000 this one is for hedge fund managers and members of the Rolling Stones only. It's one of a few Bradman bats in the auction, actually. If I was so rich that I could buy this I would introduce it to people as "a bat signed by Archie Jackson" and then afterwards just note in passing that it was Bradman's first Test bat. I think I'd need to buy a bat rack, actually. That would be about as extravagant as I got as a rich person; 1992 World Cup shirts off eBay, some old Wisdens and a bat rack. 

There's an array of very cool and very nerdy caps in this sale ($1200-1500 is surely a steal for Wasim Akram's Pakistan cap, right?) but this is labelled as a "Pakistan Test cap". Really? Please say it ain't so...

I won't bore you by pasting them all in here but the other caps that caught my eye were the Sri Lankan Rebel tour one (no photo guys??) and the uninentional history lesson on the evolution of Tasmania's cap. While we're on cap talk, Albion have put together a brilliant black one with yellow insignia for WA this Sheffield Shield season. Apparently it's based on a photo from their archives. Just a bit of cap chat for you. 

Actually no I will paste another, here's the Len Maddocks issue Tassie cap from the 60s. I think you'll see why many players wouldn't be caught dead wearing caps in that era.

Anyway, I'm not telling you what I'm actually going to throw a sneaky online bid on for the Mossgreen Auction because I don't want to be outbid. On the other hand, if anyone wants to start some kind of Kickstarter type fund for me, I really would like this Dennis Lillee pinball machine that recently appeared on eBay. Just brilliant.

Get into shape for the Ashes with Dennis Lillee

So the Ashes is nearly upon us and it's time to dust off those cobwebs and get ourselves into full fitness for the 10 Tests ahead. What better way to do it than taking in the visual splendour and handy fitness tips of Dennis Lillee's Book of Family Fitness, one of 1980's best literary offerings.

There was something about the cover of this book that told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to own it. I think you'll agree I made the right choice.

Dennis always starts the day with some wholesome muesli and a glass of coffee. Maybe not as healthy as a fresh juice, but certainly more nutritious than a six pack of Tooheys and twenty Marlboro Reds, which was probably how Doug Walters started his day.

With that out of the way, it's time to get the kids up and active. Unless they are watching a replay of DK's over to Viv in the 1976 Gilette Cup semi final, off goes the TV.

Always nice to take the kids on your morning run, just make sure you completely ignore golf course etiquette and run through someone's round. 

If you get a bit thirsty, just stop off in someone's front yard and drink from their garden hose. The sight of Dennis Lillee doing that would be exactly what the neighbours were expecting when they looked out the window.

I kid you not, Dennis lists actual instructions in the book for laying out an obstacle course to make your run more interesting. Pretty simple really, you just need a chainsaw, some chaps and a few mature natives.

Of course once you have your stumps, it's always great to get the kiddies involved in a bit of log-stepping, which they tend to go crazy for.

I admit it is slightly elaborate to construct your own hurdles, but well worth the effort.

Again I am not making this up. Dennis suggests that should it be a bit chilly when you head out for a run, it might pay to pop some socks over your hands to keep them toasty warm.

In related news, DENNIS LILLEE IS UNAWARE OF THE EXISTENCE OF GLOVES!

It's always good to break the tedium of a run up by hanging from a precariously placed log for as long as you can.

Having ditched the kids, Dennis is now on a reconnaissance mission looking for more trees to turn into obstacle courses. He seems to be onto a winner here.

If there's a shirtless old bloke out on a run, it always pays to sidle up next to him and have a chat.

The kids are probably pretty pooped by now, but there is nothing that will kill their enthusiasm for the outdoors like a spot of orienteering, or as DK calls it, "cunning running." Is that even a thing? I'm 95% he's just made that up.

With the kids back home it's time to hit the beach and do a bit of body surfing to impress the babes. Just make sure you're wearing your gold chain with cricket bat pendant.

"Yo Dennis, I'm really happy for you. Imma let you finish, but Bo Derek had one of the best rising up out of the water scenes ever! Ever!"

Back home to jump on the scales and indulge in a bit of self-loathing. In this section Dennis actually suggests that this task can be done in the nude to spice things up a little bit. I'm thankful he kept things civil for the sake of the book.

Of course, it always pays to be careful when it comes to your health. The ACB had just had these devices installed at team practice facilities. The were used to measure your blood alcohol reading; if you blew anything under 0.05 you weren't allowed to train.

This could be a skin-fold test, but it also might just be a photo from Dennis's private collection that was never meant to see the light of day.

If you head to the gym, always make sure you jump on the exercise bike next to the woman who is wearing her bathers. Ignore your trainer and talk to her. What does he know, anyway?

When you're down at the gym sometimes it's also just cool to hang out.

If your new gym friend is ignoring your subtle advances, maybe just amp things up a little with some intense, prolonged staring. Woman dig guys who are a little unbalanced, it's a fact.

Once this approach has worked wonders, always make sure you include your new-found friend in any planking you do.

It's not all about chatting up the ladies though, you need to get your sweat on. Just pretend your fists are flying towards Kim Hughes.

"Here at the Dennis Lille Institute of Fitness, we have a clear uniform policy; either you go bareback or you wear a lab coat."

Admit it, you hadn't previously seen a photo of Dennis Lille shoveling soil into a wheel barrow and now you have. I'm not asking for thanks because I know you appreciate it.

After a day of fitness work with Dennis, you too will be forced to mimic a pistol to your own head.

Should you ever find yourself wide awake in the middle of the night at a hotel, Dennis has a workout plan for you. Chair lunges are always a good start. Again, gold chain mandatory.

I have no real explanation for this photo but it is genuinely tough to know where to look. This is heading into Shane Watson territory now.

Ahh, looking under Kerry Packer's sofa for loose change; oldest trick in the book. Nice one Fot.

Just doing some morning lunges by the bed, what of it?

I'm beginning to think this entire section of the book is actually just documentation of a serious sleep-walking problem.

But now you're all fit, firing and ready to go. With your new-found fitness you can take on the world, or even just form a solid barrier against any potential home invasions.

A Visual History of Cricket Marketing - Part 1 - The 1970's

As well as having a rich literary history, Cricket has always had a vast visual culture that has probably not been as heavily explored.

Whilst thumbing through stacks of old cricket magazines as I continue to pack up the house, I decided to put our new scanner to use and create a post on the visual history of cricket marketing. 

I've split this up into three decades; the 70's, 80's and 90's, primarily because they are the era's for which I had the most material, but also because they're the most interesting for this topic. This is not a definitive list by any means, as I was limited to the contents of those mags I'd held onto. 

It also allowed me to lessen my guilt about essentially holidaying as my girlfriend slaved over a Master's essay on the human rights of Indigenous Peruvians. I am under no illusions as to the respective importance of our projects, but at the very least it's legitimized some of my magazine collection to the point where I can justify keeping them, and boxing them up for our move. A win.

Anyway, what you'll see here is a sharp transition from the dowdy world of test cricket prior to the Packer insurgence, as seen through the eyes of the marketeers and advertisers. I have chosen not to include video items as I think it is sad enough for a grown man to sit scanning photos of Doug Walters on his holidays, let alone trawling YouTube for hours.

Without further ado...

1974 - Kookaburra (NB. I think all photos can be viewed larger by clicking on them)

Before Kerry Packer came along, the marketing people had a pretty clear idea of what Cricket was and what it meant: fusty traditions and bad puns. This one falls into the first category and was an oft-repeated trope in cricket advertising; the cricket gear montage. This method also didn't require paying or sponsoring a player, which as Channel Nine showed us in their fearless documentary 'Howzat', was pretty much what it was all about before Packer came in and saved the entire world.

And yes, Kookaburra "always make the test team" because there is a contract written in blood somewhere that we're never to allow the Duke ball into Australia, not even to prepare our batsmen for it hooping around in the Ashes. It's surprising that this tradition has lasted so long given CA's fear of the old.

1974 - Stuart Surridge

This is a also a pretty classic example of what passed for a cricket ad in the pre-PBL days; a cliched vision of cricketers as an extension of English aristocracy, as though playing cricket was just a weird affectation suffered by Count's and Duke's.

1974 - St Peter

This is the kind of crass commercialisation that the old-school cricket administrators were looking to stamp out. Look at these vile trade unionists! I mean, the way Ross Edwards is leaning on that SP bat in his neatly pressed whites, he's probably about to march down Jolimont street with a placard at any second.

1974 - Gilette 2-in-1

If ever there was a time to promote the use of a razor, it was mid-70's Australian cricket. We can't rule out that this ad was partially funded by the Don and Neil Harvey in a failed attempt to rid the Test team of handlebar mo's. Also a quaint reminder of the time when Gillette didn't feel the need to have 74 high-performance blades in the head of their $16 razors.

And for those playing the 'Cricket Pun drinking game', you know what to do...

1975 - Paramount Shirts

Greigy edges his way into the frame for the first time. 

"Excuse me sir, do you have those shirts that Alan Knott wears? You do? I'll take one for each day of the week!"

1976 - Benson & Hedges

Remember when we made our own mind up about how many hundred cigarettes we smoked per day while we watched the cricket? Another great 'cricket gear montage' here. You can almost smell the linseed oil.

1976 - Dennis Lillee for Puma

Dennis Lillee obviously has a lifetime pass for services rendered to the defeat of England, but in recent years he has become "Dennis the Advertising Menace". He stalks us on radio, TV, everywhere; no medium can stop 63 year old Dennis from spreading the word. Hand him a cheque and he will spruik your brand.

And this is where it all began...

1976 - Stuart Surridge

"There is more to cricket than people realise.." says this award-winning advertising copywriter before slapping on a particularly lazy pun and calling it a day. 

Sometimes I imagine what my life would be like if I'd got my marketing degree in 1976 rather than 30 years later.

1976 - TAA Airlines for the West Indies

The best thing about this ad is imagining the kind of mayhem that occurred on these flights. Were air hostesses impregnated just by looking at Michael Holding in 1976? Someone needs to write a cricket book solely about the things that happened on these kinds of flights.

1976 - Eric Beecher decries Marketing in Cricket

Sensing a creeping commercialisation of the game, The Cricketer's Eric Beecher took it upon himself to defend the honour of cricket on everyone else's behalf. From this little relic you get the sense that if Eric Beecher were to watch one of Shane Watson's Brut ads these days, he'd end up burning all his Wisden's and throwing himself off the top of the MCC Members pavilion.

1977 - Geoffrey Boycott for Cathay Pacific

The 70's was an era of jet-setting, and nothing made the masses want to fly to an exotic Asian location like the sight of a watertight forward defense. 

1977 - ABC Telecast of the Prudential Trophy 

This ad represents the end of the era in a way. The long relationship between the ACB and ABC was about to be blown apart by Packer and broadcasting changed forever. But for now we would have, "live via satellite", cricket filmed from behind the bowler's arm only.

1977 - TAA Airlines

Can someone explain to me how an airline that flew 1970's cricketers around was able to stow both passengers and alcohol?

1977 - Tony Greig for St Peter

After Greigy's recent passing, many rightly pointed out that he'd paved the way for cricketers to earn a decent living out of endorsements. Here he is in full-flight for SP. As you will see further down the page, this one is pretty reserved by Tawny's standards. Like DK, Tony "got on famously" with anyone with a cheque book. There are some nice recollections of his shameless pursuit of the marketing dollar in 'The Cricket War', Gideon Haigh's essential account of the Packer era.

1977 - Tooheys

Rejected titles for this campaign included, "I Feel Like a Tooheys or Seventeen" and "We didn't even tell them we were filming this ad". And in Peter Toohey, they had a bloke that didn't even need to deed-poll his name to promote the brand.

It is well worth seeking out the TV commercial for this on YouTube, it's a classic of its genre, an immaculately mustached Steve Rixon in full flight. Please note, the photo below was taken during the lunch break of a Shield game in 1976.

1978 - World Series Cricket

From here on in we see Cricket Marketing go from the quaint imagery of an idyllic, bygone era, into the full throttle world of Packer's PBL, where too much crass is not enough. I say that as a compliment, because the aesthetic of WSC endures in popularity even now. 'Howzat' might have ended up 'godding-up' Packer to a ridiculous degree, but there is no doubting the the retro thrill of just looking at World Series Cricket.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and fill out my Cricketeers membership form...

1978 - World Series Bucket Hats

How much do people love the Packer era? During the screening of 'Howzat', I did an eBay search on WSC items and someone had just paid $150 for one of these bad boys.

This one never looked cooler than on the head of Doug Walters, here providing Wes Anderson with the inspiration for 'The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou'. What's also nice about this photo is that an Australian cricketer is managing to go on a boat owned by the Packer's without becoming a national hate figure.

1978 - The Emergence of Helmets

World Series cricket provided us with many innovations, and the batting helmet was chief among them. It was a pretty fast evolution from stack-hat to the type of horse-riding derivative we see today, and there is lots of fun to be had with some of these early designs. I don't have an engineering degree, but the C&D one with the plastic face-guard that Kepler wears here just seems a little bit NQR.  

1979 - C'mon Aussie C'mon

The scene in 'Howzat' that purports to show the songwriting process for this one was a piece of champagne unintentional comedy, but there is no doubting that the jingle was a piece of evil genius. I own three different copies of it on vinyl, which is something I cannot say of any other piece of music.

1979 - McDonald's World Series Cricket

WSC was also the era in which 'Big Junk Food' got involved in cricket for the first time. These ads are pretty cool, but there is no escaping the fact that they're the beginning of a lineage that has resulted in us being forced to watch the Madden brothers play street cricket. For this reason, these primarily serve as background evidence for the eventual crimes against humanity trial.

Kind of want to eat that Quarter Pounder though...

1979 - WSC Merchandise

Something worth mentioning; WSC might have commercially revolutionized the game, but that didn't mean that the ad exec's weren't so coked up that they left the copy-writing to the work experience kid. 

1979 - Viv Richards for Stuart Surridge

When Viv Richards leaves this mortal coil, rather than black armbands, every international cricketer should be made to bat with an SS Jumbo in their next match. It's impossible to imagine Viv batting without that thing in his hands, even given his later defection to Slazenger.

1979 - Tony Greig for St Peter

This is what you call saving your best for last. There are literally no words that can describe this ad, only questions. Was it Greigy's idea?  Does this give us an insight into his sexual proclivities? Was this the result of a lost bet? Will you ever get this image out of your head?