Get into shape for the Ashes with Dennis Lillee

So the Ashes is nearly upon us and it's time to dust off those cobwebs and get ourselves into full fitness for the 10 Tests ahead. What better way to do it than taking in the visual splendour and handy fitness tips of Dennis Lillee's Book of Family Fitness, one of 1980's best literary offerings.

There was something about the cover of this book that told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to own it. I think you'll agree I made the right choice.

Dennis always starts the day with some wholesome muesli and a glass of coffee. Maybe not as healthy as a fresh juice, but certainly more nutritious than a six pack of Tooheys and twenty Marlboro Reds, which was probably how Doug Walters started his day.

With that out of the way, it's time to get the kids up and active. Unless they are watching a replay of DK's over to Viv in the 1976 Gilette Cup semi final, off goes the TV.

Always nice to take the kids on your morning run, just make sure you completely ignore golf course etiquette and run through someone's round. 

If you get a bit thirsty, just stop off in someone's front yard and drink from their garden hose. The sight of Dennis Lillee doing that would be exactly what the neighbours were expecting when they looked out the window.

I kid you not, Dennis lists actual instructions in the book for laying out an obstacle course to make your run more interesting. Pretty simple really, you just need a chainsaw, some chaps and a few mature natives.

Of course once you have your stumps, it's always great to get the kiddies involved in a bit of log-stepping, which they tend to go crazy for.

I admit it is slightly elaborate to construct your own hurdles, but well worth the effort.

Again I am not making this up. Dennis suggests that should it be a bit chilly when you head out for a run, it might pay to pop some socks over your hands to keep them toasty warm.

In related news, DENNIS LILLEE IS UNAWARE OF THE EXISTENCE OF GLOVES!

It's always good to break the tedium of a run up by hanging from a precariously placed log for as long as you can.

Having ditched the kids, Dennis is now on a reconnaissance mission looking for more trees to turn into obstacle courses. He seems to be onto a winner here.

If there's a shirtless old bloke out on a run, it always pays to sidle up next to him and have a chat.

The kids are probably pretty pooped by now, but there is nothing that will kill their enthusiasm for the outdoors like a spot of orienteering, or as DK calls it, "cunning running." Is that even a thing? I'm 95% he's just made that up.

With the kids back home it's time to hit the beach and do a bit of body surfing to impress the babes. Just make sure you're wearing your gold chain with cricket bat pendant.

"Yo Dennis, I'm really happy for you. Imma let you finish, but Bo Derek had one of the best rising up out of the water scenes ever! Ever!"

Back home to jump on the scales and indulge in a bit of self-loathing. In this section Dennis actually suggests that this task can be done in the nude to spice things up a little bit. I'm thankful he kept things civil for the sake of the book.

Of course, it always pays to be careful when it comes to your health. The ACB had just had these devices installed at team practice facilities. The were used to measure your blood alcohol reading; if you blew anything under 0.05 you weren't allowed to train.

This could be a skin-fold test, but it also might just be a photo from Dennis's private collection that was never meant to see the light of day.

If you head to the gym, always make sure you jump on the exercise bike next to the woman who is wearing her bathers. Ignore your trainer and talk to her. What does he know, anyway?

When you're down at the gym sometimes it's also just cool to hang out.

If your new gym friend is ignoring your subtle advances, maybe just amp things up a little with some intense, prolonged staring. Woman dig guys who are a little unbalanced, it's a fact.

Once this approach has worked wonders, always make sure you include your new-found friend in any planking you do.

It's not all about chatting up the ladies though, you need to get your sweat on. Just pretend your fists are flying towards Kim Hughes.

"Here at the Dennis Lille Institute of Fitness, we have a clear uniform policy; either you go bareback or you wear a lab coat."

Admit it, you hadn't previously seen a photo of Dennis Lille shoveling soil into a wheel barrow and now you have. I'm not asking for thanks because I know you appreciate it.

After a day of fitness work with Dennis, you too will be forced to mimic a pistol to your own head.

Should you ever find yourself wide awake in the middle of the night at a hotel, Dennis has a workout plan for you. Chair lunges are always a good start. Again, gold chain mandatory.

I have no real explanation for this photo but it is genuinely tough to know where to look. This is heading into Shane Watson territory now.

Ahh, looking under Kerry Packer's sofa for loose change; oldest trick in the book. Nice one Fot.

Just doing some morning lunges by the bed, what of it?

I'm beginning to think this entire section of the book is actually just documentation of a serious sleep-walking problem.

But now you're all fit, firing and ready to go. With your new-found fitness you can take on the world, or even just form a solid barrier against any potential home invasions.

Mark Cosgrove and the stigma of obesity

I promise I will get something nice and colourful up here sooner or later folks, but until then feel free to take a look at this little thing I wrote for the good people at ESPN Cricinfo.

The Cricket Documentaries that NEED to be made - Part 1

As anyone with access to cable TV and a passing interest in sports would know, in the past few years ESPN have ushered in a golden era of sports documentary making with their '30 for 30' series of high quality sports films.

As well as being hugely entertaining, the '30 for 30' series has established a variety of new sports doc paradigms which I will now list in no particular order:

1. It is now no longer acceptable to just point a camera at famous sports people and call yourself a documentary film maker. Some of these documentaries feature stunning production techniques, meticulous research and art direction that wouldn't be out of place on a medium budget Hollywood film. ESPN are pretty loaded, I suppose. For making these documentaries, I forgive them for Steven A Smith and those NFL Draft Panels that are just six Stephen Colbert lookalikes droning on about the 247th pick from Tallahassee State Technical College as though he's a Governor of the Fed.
2. ESPN managed to spawn a phenomenon I am calling "the Girlfriend Index". My girlfriend has no particularly keen interest in sports, yet she became so emotionally absorbed in 'Once Brothers', 'The best that never was' and 'The Two Escobars' that she still talks about them a year later. These are now the yardstick against which all other sports TV is measured for her. This is a good and bad thing; good because she is now more open to sit watching a sports program, which keeps us away from Bunnings Warehouse for two hours, though bad in that she is less likely to find watching 'Inside Cricket' an enjoyable experience by comparison, even on a purely ironic level like myself.
3. Sports documentaries now no longer have to be about he biggest stars and the most iconic (read: overdone) moments in sports. They can be about failed franchises of the past, one-hit wonders and obscure sports people who only flirted with fame. This is a good thing. This is what makes many of them so engaging. It's an antidote to the constant stream of regurgitation and raking over familiar ground that are generally the hallmarks of sports media.

So bearing all this in mind and given that this is a cricket blog, I think it is high time we campaign for some cricketing 30 for 30's. When I say that, obviously ESPN doesn't necessarily have to make them. Someone else can if they want. There are just so many great cricket stories that haven't really been told properly. I'm talking 'Fire in Babylon' quality docos too, not half hour profiles on famous players of the past.

First, I will exclude some for the reasons I outline in point 3 above: 

• World Series: we've been there so many times and if you suggest this one and then also tell me you haven't read Gideon Haigh's 'The Cricket War', I will be Glenn McGrath and you will be Ramnaresh Sarwan. EXCEPTION: if it was a documentary purely about the 'Country Cup' games, I would be on board. That would be such a niche documentary. Other than me, about fifteen people would watch it but it would give Ian Redpath some airtime, which I'm obviously all for.

• Bodyline: I think I've actually seen more of the Bodyline footage of Bradman ducking Larwood 'bumpers' than I have of any of the rest of his career. It's an endlessly fascinating topic but just read the 8000 books on it or watch the documentaries that already exist. It's such a cartoonish 'good vs evil' narrative that somehow I've become immune to its appeal. Familiarity breeds contempt.

• Steve Waugh's Ashes hundred in Sydney: I mean, Ray Martin probably owns the rights anyway and Waugh himself released AN ENTIRE BOOK about it. Enough.

• The Don: I'm sorry if Roland Perry is reading this, but we don't need any more books or documentaries about Don Bradman. Actually that's not true; some better quality ones would be nice because most of them are rubbish. But when it comes to the Don, unless there is some secret vault of recordings on which every key player in his career has recorded their actual thoughts about him, we've heard it, read it and seen it before.

• Match-fixing: to be clear, I'm not saying 'don't make a documentary on match fixing', I just think it would need to be very specific and stick to one single element, whether it be Cronje, Aamer/Butt/Asif spot-fixing, or the 'John the Bookie' saga. It's a topic with so many tentacles reaching in so many directions I just don't know where to start.

So without further ado, here are some of my suggestions; feel free to add your own in the comments section (this is far from a definitive list) and we'll see whether we can all get a production credit for our work. I will have to make this a two or three part post because I'll never get anything done with my day if I keep going at this rate.

The Australian Rebel Tours to South Africa

Cast: Malcolm Fraser, Bob Hawke, Kim Hughes, Terry Alderman, Rodney Hogg, Ali Bacher, Bruce Francis, Omar Henry, Allan Donald, Kepler Wessels, Mike Procter, Barry Richards, Graeme Pollock.

Why? 

Even excluding the other Rebel tours by England, Sri Lanka and the West Indies, the main difficulty in putting this documentary together would be trimming it down to two hours of material.

Politics, race, international relations, thwarted careers, the ability of sport to both divide and unite; this story is a documentary makers dream. It's riveting from both a political and sporting context, on a personal level and in a societal sense. Game footage clearly exists in abundance, nearly all of the key players are still alive and enough time has passed for a great many of them to feel comfortable to talk about the tours. 

Despite the disapproval of their Prime Minister and the threat of being ostracized by the game for a significant period, most of the Australian players involved still feel as though they did the right thing by the game and the people of South Africa. The games saw Omar Henry become South Africa's first non-white player since 1912 and the behind-the-scenes happenings were myriad and fascinating.

There are divisive characters (Bacher, Hughes, Francis), highly quotable public figures in Hawke and Fraser (the latter declined to let a plane carrying a Sprinkboks rugby tour refuel on Australian soil in 1981) and a host of lesser lights for whom the tours were the beginning and end of their representative careers.

One small but important point: as a 1980's one-day uniform fetishist, I can't say I'd be displeased for this number to be seen by a wider audience:

It's a no-brainer, this documentary just needs to be made. Note to any would-be producer who wants to take this project on: you need to devote at least 5 minutes of the finished film to Rod McCurdy's mullet.

Kim Hughes and Ali Bacher give it the thumbs up!

The 1981 Ashes Tour

No, I'm not talking about another yak-fest about "Botham's Ashes" and the hundred at Headingley, though it obviously would rate a mention. I'm talking about a warts-and-all look at Australia's disastrous Ashes campaign under Kim Hughes.

As anyone who read Christian Ryan's superb Kim Hughes biography 'Golden Boy' knows, things were more than a little NQR in the Australian camp on that tour. If they were all willing to open up about it, I'm sure it would be jaw-dropping. Greg Chappell opted out of the tour, the replacement captain was being seriously undermined by the few senior players he had at his disposal, then Lillee and Marsh placed bets on their own team losing at Headingley, which itself is probably deserving of a one hour special.

Speaking of the 'Cricketer of the Year' winners in the 1982 issue of Wisden following that Ashes series, editor John Woodcock said that Marsh's "delight that he had been included was good to hear of." No doubt it was of even more delight to Marsh at the time that his skipper did not make the list. They're all apparently chums again now, but if ever there was a doco about a tour debacle, this could be it. Honorable mention to the Bob Simpson-led team that ventured to the West Indies in 1978, which was also a farce of epic proportions. 

P.S. If someone ever makes a "this tour was a debacle" doco about Australia's 2013 tour of India and it has the word "homework" in the title, I will refuse to watch it.

The Death of Bob Woolmer

Excuse the ghoulishness of this suggestion,  but a certain amount of people have just completely forgotten about this event (it was only six years ago, too).

Woolmer, then the Pakistan coach, was found dead in his Jamaican hotel room on the 18th of March, 2007, only hours after Pakistan were surprisingly knocked out of the World Cup by Ireland.

Despite claims by the first pathologist to examine Woolmer that he had died of manual asphyxiation, later tests by other pathologists indicated that this was incorrect, with toxicology reports also concluding he had not been poisoned. An eventual inquest resulted in an open verdict and refused to rule out the strangulation theory.

Amongst all of this, former South African cricketer Clive Rice said he believed Woolmer had been murdered by an organised crime syndicate with links to sports betting. Taking even the most circumspect view, it is at the very least a story about a coach under so much pressure from a cricket-obsessed country that he died of a heart attack. It's a story that touches on difficult subjects for Pakistan, the spectre of gambling, and the high toll that the professional sports world can take on those within its orbit.

The First IPL Auction

On the 20th of February, 2008, the world of cricket entered uncharted territory upon the commencement of the the inaugural Indian Premier League T20 player auction. 

Fast forward six years and somehow the IPL have contrived to turn this event into a fairly beige affair in which several round tables of polo-shirted team officials wave miniature bats in place of auction paddles and earnestly scan the listings for available talent. As a spectacle, it is unquestionably inferior to the hyped-up draft day productions of the major US sports. Maybe even charmingly so, if such an adjective can be applied to an IPL event.

Yet the very first one was absolute mayhem. I'd long thought that it took place behind closed doors which afforded it a dodgy, clandestine air, but there is actually some footage up online still. It was attended by politicians, corporate heavy-weights, Bollywood actors, that bloke with the dodgy wig and, of course, the franchise owners who ended up footing the considerable bill at the end of the day. 

No-one can say they knew exactly what to expect, but amid the ego-driven bidding frenzy, the Chennai Superkings made M.S. Dhoni $1.5 million richer in an instant and Andrew Symonds relieved the Deccan Chargers of $1.35 million.

In the chaos, genuine stars went unsold and aging veterans like Sanath Jayasuria threatened to pass the million mark. David Hussey commanded $625,000, his more accomplished brother Mike only $250,000. More than anything, it put a publicly available dollar figure on the heads of many of the game's stars and for some this was not happy reading. Egos were doubtlessly battered as modest Indian trundlers became overnight millionaires at the expense of established international stars who were left to feed on the remaining crumbs.

But the auction itself, the money that was spent, the characters involved, it really was something. But would anyone involved be prepared to admit to any hubris or folly? 

                                                                           ***

Footnote: I intend on adding to this list but feel free to have a crack in the comments section. 

How Cricketers used to find out about the arrival of their children - Part 2

I'm no expert on child birth, but I can't imagine there would be anything more thrilling than receiving a photo of your partner having champagne poured on his head by Dean Jones in the minutes following an excruciating labour. Bonus points for Billy McDermott's shiner and the look of horror on Simon O'Donnell's face as he realizes that his iron-free chino's have been destroyed.

Compared to AB, Heals is an absolute softy, though. The only thing greater than the photo is the caption; "the wonders of modern technology" indeed.

The Worst Pieces of Cricket Memorabilia Ever

Firstly a disclaimer, good readers: I own an alarming amount of cricket books, memorabilia and tat associated with the game and thus it is a bit rich for me to be passing judgement on the people who buy the items that follow.

I have been known to return home brandishing an item that will make my girlfriend slap her palm across her face (I'm not kidding, she LITERALLY does that and somehow manages to work a simultaneous eye-roll into the one single expression of disgust. It's actually quite remarkable).

I talk of items like...say....this:

Who needs a travel bag from the 1973 tour of the West Indies to put their gym gear in? Who doesn't? I also cannot sit before you and say I haven't drunkenly bought things on eBay late on a Friday night, or gotten a bit sauced at a sportsman's night auction and bid (I think there is a theme here...) for similarly pathetic acquisitions. 

Actually, I don't even have to be drunk. At one point my Dad took up wood-turning classes and for one of his first projects made my brothers and I (grown adults, one and all) a replica of the Ashes urn. It was immediately decreed we needed something worthwhile to burn and place inside it before that Christmas's "Backyard Ashes". I zeroed in on a suitably random item; Ben Barnett's wicket-keeping 'inners' used while he was back-up keeper on the 1938 Ashes tour. Post-purchase, my only job was to courier one of them down the Peninsula for the burning ceremony on Christmas day. But I forgot to, didn't I? So after a hastily convened committee meeting we resolved to burn our underpants instead and the ghosts of Ben Barnett still rest in a box in my wardrobe. In related news, yes, I am fortunate to even have a girlfriend.

But getting back to the point, Cricket memorabilia takes on many forms and there genuinely is some quite cool stuff out there, but there'll be none of that today. Today, we look at the random, the horrible, and the worst of all: the stuff that Channel Nine spend entire summers trying to sell us. So sit back and...grimace?

Brett Lee - "Leethal"

If there is anything I like less than a bad pun, it's a Brett Lee wicket-celebration. What does it say about you when two out of the six photos chosen to represent your career are fist-pumps?

I once took my much-younger brother to a game at the MCG at which he decided to collect all the Australian players' autographs on one of those mini bats. With limited space, the first four or five of them diligently fulfilled his request to do a small signature across the face so he could fit the whole team on. Jumping up out of his seat to collar Brett Lee, a look of horror spread across his face as Bing magnanimously snatched the bat, gave him a friendly "g'day champ", and then proceeded to sign the entire remaining surface space of the bat with a giant, illegible scrawl. The crestfallen look on my brother's face as he slumped into his seat has outlived any detail in my memory about the actual game. 

"The Champions"

"The Champions" is a bat signed by some of the "all-time greats of world cricket." So who have we got on there? Some knighted cricketers - Richards, Hadlee, Botham, Sobers, Bedser; legends one and all. Chappell, Walters and Marsh? Yes, big tick! And then finally.... Asanka Gurusinha??? Sure he only had a Test average of 38.92, but it was the way he made them, you see.

Tony Greig's Panama Hat

While there is a degree of poetry that a man who so relentlessly hawked dodgy memorabilia should become the subject of a piece himself, I could feasibly write an entire blog post on how wrong this thing is. I think the eBay listing for it provides damning enough evidence: "Hat was worn by Tony Greig. It even has the sweat marks. Buyer will not be disappointed." At a $500 starting bid, I think there is actually a lot of scope for disappointment if we're being honest. Did Greigy wear this while he was gardening? It seems very...soiled, don't you think? 

I just thought of approximately 6 theories as to how this hat got to be in such a state and I fear it is too soon to share any of them. Okay okay, I just don't wanna get sued.

"Chappell Brothers - The Backyard at Mum's"

The only explanation for this piece is that it was commissioned by Mrs Chappell herself and she specifically decreed that all the boys be included so as to avoid having Trevor feel left out. Danny and Dean Waugh are nodding their heads right now...

I can imagine that if Chappelli himself was to take over the memorabilia racket left behind by Tony Greig, it would be a matter of days before we were being bombarded with limited edition Les Favell prints.

The Glenn Maxwell Badge

Stay with me Australian cricket lovers, I'm tipping the pin on the back of this thing is perfect for poking your own eyes out. There is also a matching "Big No-Show" magnet available, which would be ideal to slap on the side of a nuclear weapon before you position it towards the Mumbai Indians' first IPL game.

Phil Hughes Signed Cricket Ball

Things you can buy with 85 dollars: 17 "Stunner Meals" from Hungry Jacks, every movie that John Cazale starred in on DVD, a meat pie and a coke at the MCG, or this Phil Hughes signed cricket ball. It's actually quite a rare item in that each one takes him hours to sign; the pen just keeps flashing past manically and not making contact. This also comes with a bonus Neil D'Costa coaching DVD. Just use it as a drinks coaster like Philthy does.

Shane Watson signed photo

Show the cricket-lover in your life how much you hate their hobby with this Shane Watson signed photo, guaranteed to make everyone in the room wince! I often joke that Watto probably can't spell his own name and the two prominent S's here seem to vindicate my theory. You heard it here first, people. I also like that he's signed it over the most well-utilized tool in the Watson armory; his mouth. 

"Justin Langer & Matthew Hayden - Double Impact"

I'd like to think that the person naming this particular piece of Channel Nine 'scamorabilia' was a would-be comedian. They probably could have pushed the boat out a little further but "Double Penetration" would only have worked for a bowling partnership, I guess. If you see this hanging in someone's games room, you have my permission to go to town with a Sharpie. Get creative, too.

Shane Warne Signed Photo

Remember 'fat Warnie'? I loved fat Warnie, he was so much more fun. And he was an ace cricketer, too. Anyway, I am borderline on buying this as a constant reminder of the good times. Its definitely not the dodgiest piece of Warnibilia out there though...

Warnie at play

This falls into one of my favorite sub-genres of sports memorabilia; the unsanctioned piece that no athlete in their right mind would consent to. You simply take a blank piece of paper, have it signed by said athlete, then attach it to a photo or montage of their most inglorious moments. Magic. Come to think of it, Warnie would probably sign that photo, if only as a reminder of the time he used to blow smoke rings whilst drinking a full-carb beer. Come back Warnie, it's never too late.

Meanwhile, down at the Scamorabilia factory...

"Dave Warner - The Powerhouse"

Are you sick of hearing the words "only $500 unframed" in between balls in Channel Nine telecasts? Well apparently you're not alone, because two years on, they still can't sell any of these Dave Warner 'Powerhouse' prints. And there was only 250 of the things to start with. Maybe Cricket Australia could throw one into Mickey Arthur's redundancy package? Feel free to leave your suggested uses for this monstrosity in the comments section.

"The Aussies and the Colonel"

Several questions immediately popped into my head when I saw this; Was Dirk Nannes engaging in a passive display of protest by putting his hands in his pockets? Is Colonel Sanders a better middle-order batting option than Moises Henriques? Would any amount of KFC refresher towels wash the filthy stain off everyone involved in this exercise?. But then I remembered this:

Right you are then, gents.

Jason Krejza signed cricket ball

So this thing will cost you 65, exactly the same as each Jason Krejza wicket. You'd have to be a serious lover of off-spin to invest in this thing. There is no similar memento to be had for Beau Casson fans unfortunately; at the sight of a cricket ball he instinctively curls into the fetal position.

Dirk Wellham Autograph

I feel a bit sorry for Dirk that this languishes on eBay with no bids despite its starting price of 99 cents. I might buy it and affix it to the title page of my copy of Dirk's book, 'Solid Knocks and Second Thoughts' a great read for lovers of the "axe-grind" genre of autobiography. 

Brad Hodge Signed Publicity Photo

This isn't actually a piece of memorabilia that is for sale, Brad Hodge just walks around handing them out himself.

Chris Lewis Stimorol Trading Card

There is only one reason that this remains un-signed and that is because, technically speaking, anything that Chris Lewis touches becomes evidence. 

Peter George Signed Photograph

While we are on the subject of police matters, can someone get this thing down to "Missing Persons" pronto? Literally no-one has seen or heard from this bloke since he played a Test in Bangalore three years ago. History tells us that if you go missing in Adelaide it rarely ends well.

Allan Border - Beyond Ten Thousand

I am currently a serious risk of buying this. Somebody stop me. I'm not even kidding. This could be a relationship-ender... This book was the greatest 'limited edition" scam of all time; 10,000 in total. Get in quick before they're all gone!